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16 August 2004 @ 05:01 pm
I think I finally let go of my final tear because I was finally able to stand myself up on my two feet again. My sight was blurry though from crying so much.. and my cheeks were drenched. I probably looked horrible..

That was enough motivation for me to decide on taking a shower.. I could probably use the water to clean off this wound on my back since I couldn't exactly reach to it myself. I yanked the blouse off my form, the back torn from the pentrated blade and stained with red -- puh, I could probably take that stain off like I did with that towel. The memory made me smile, remembering how I first met Connor. I took the rest of my clothes off, unable to remove my thoughts.

Connor. Here I was trying to be cheerful girl again and his heart was breaking because of Cordelia.

A lot of people's hearts were breaking tonight.

I wish I could help everyone. I wish.. I could help him. Like I did before. Make him crack that smile because I made that much of a difference. But who am I to think that a smile could erase all that away? Who was I to think that a little cheerfulness would bring light into the darkness? I was dead wrong. Dead fuckin' wrong. Tonight made me realize that -- while I was trying to keep my own sanity people were dying and getting hurt all around me.

I'm stupid. No more. I was tired of being the cheerful girl. Not even I could see the light anymore. My heart was breaking. And Lisette? She was gone. That little bubblegum piece that could've been that tiny spark was gone now.

More than anything now, I wanted him dead. Fuckin' gone.. I don't give a shit that people have hopes on bringing the bastard back. He took away EVERYONE'S spark which is the worst possible thing anyone could do. I wanted that power that so many people have that gave them the ability to defeat him. I don't care if it was suicide mission.. I'd do it. Instead though? I'm a girl who couldn't keep control of her own feet, her own self. I was staring upon a cracked mirror in which I threw my bloodied rapier in my brief second of psychotic rage.

Shower... I need that shower.

I stepped into the shower and turned on the water to blistering hot, wincing as I felt the water cascade down my back like a thousand needles hitting the open wound on my back all at once. Since the adrenaline of the battle finally left me I could actually feel how sore I was -- bruised -- and this wound was far more painful then it felt out in the battlefield. The battlefield... oh my god. I never seen anything like what I saw out there. So much blood.. blood. My eyes trailed down to the water being collected toward drain, it's color clouded by a light hue of red from the blood that was being washed away from me. I think that's what did it.. I thought I let go all of it when I was out there but I was wrong. My forehead pressed tightly against the tile wall when the emotions began pouring back to me, causing me to break down into tears again. I began to hysterically yank on my drenched locks, crumbling back down to my knees while I wept.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed