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28 December 2004 @ 07:35 pm
now_ish If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow.  
After the meeting I was heading where the ballroom was but something tugged at me to turn around and return to my room. Probably was best for now; I don't even remember how long it's been since I had a breather. Reaching my hand out I gripped the knob and turned it open, my eyes greeted by the darkness that remained trapped inside. It's a good thing I left my stuff here, I thought when I entered, seeing how everything was scattered. A reminder of the most stupidest decision I have ever made.

Thanks to that new girl Carly, though, I'm feeling so much better. Physically, anyway. I can't really place myself where I'm at emotionally. You think normally a person would freak out seeing someone use healing powers on a whim like you see on X-Men, but all this supernatural crap has become the normal thing since I've been here. I don't expect anything anymore. Every time I do.. heh. Let's just say the last of my expectations led me right into the dirty hands of Angelus and Faith.

I didn't bother to turn on the light. Instead I just walked over to the bed and just.. crashed. This bed never felt so good. Try my hardest, I couldn't stop thinking about how I betrayed Connor by just leaving him and all my friends here. I couldn't stop thinking of all the people who got hurt because of my foolish decision. When it's quiet my mind tends to wander way too much for my own good. The curse of being a Gemini, I guess. Looking over at my radio I pulled out the CD that rest nearest to me, popped it in the CD player and placed it on shuffle.

Huh. Sprit: Stallion of the Cimarron.. I forgot I even owned this soundtrack.

Sound the bugle now - play it just for me
As the seasons change - remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on - I can't even start
I've got nothing left - just an empty heart

This song is so pretty. Sad. Somewhat reminds me of the little situation I'm going through now. I came from being a carefree, forward girl to just being one who's afraid to to take the next step. Life was so simple back home.. days when me and my friends had sleepovers, went to parties, and our BIGGEST worry was just what grade we were gonna get in Chemistry. Now? My biggest worry is to just live and, knowing my clumsy luck, my chances are slim. Maybe Buffy was right.. maybe all of us truly are going to die.

I'm a soldier - wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me - lead me away...
Or leave me lying here

Even when I was here I was in good spirits. I tried my hardest. I thought I was brave, but by just leaving it was shown to me how much of a coward I was. I was afraid to let people down because physically I was weak. I was afraid.. I was afraid to fall in love with someone who isn't even alive. I still want to give up. I'm still afraid. Now I know this fear Lisette has.. this endless fear and scar that refuses to go away. You're afraid to close your eyes because you see them there. Congratulations Angelus and Faith, you broke me when no one else could. Maybe I should thank The First as well.

Sound the bugle now - tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know - that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will - stumble in the dark
Lay right down - decide not to go on

What was the point, anyway? I may not have been here long but I've seen enough to know we're outnumbered, outmatched, outwitted... out.. out.. out everything! Why should we bother to win a lost battle? Why did I snap at Buffy? How can I contribute to this battle? How can Connor help me? How can Mr. Giles help me when my first Watcher gave up on me? God, he gave UP on me.. and at this point I can't blame him. I don't want to do this. I'm scared. I don't want to see any more people get hurt.. I don't want more people to get hurt because I can't hold my own..

Then from on high - somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls - remember who your are
If you lose yourself - your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight - remember who you are

By this point the tears were pouring out of my eyes and I was clinging to my stuffed frog like a scared little girl. My watered eyes wandered over to the stereo when the lyrics reached my ears and all I could do was stare at it. I don't remember this part. What was I doing? In a moment of frustrated anger I sat upright and threw Ribbit at the wall near the door. It hit the light switch and the lamps overhead flickered to life, leaving me with a clear view of my reflection staring back at me from above my dresser. The tear-stained face of a helpless.. little.. child. I raised my hand and wiped the tears off my face, almost in shock how pathetic I looked. What was that saying Mr. Brown told me awhile back?

"No matter how dire the situation seems, no matter how helpless you may feel, when you've given up you've already died."

And I've been sitting here rambling how scared I was to die. No. Buffy was wrong. We're still alive which means there's still HOPE. And as long as there's hope.. there's a chance to win.

Yeah, you're a soldier now - fighting in a battle
To be free once more -Ya that's worth fighting for

I'm going to fight. I'm going to fight so that me and everyone here can live. If it means forcing a smile here and there to keep up the hopes for others, that's fine. I swear, right now, that I'm going to be one of those who's going to help take Angelus and Faith down.

"Okay Bryan Adams, I get it," I muttered with a smirk toward the radio and turned it off. Whoever knew that a song about a horse can help snap a girl back to her senses? With my constant building of fustration I took the pillow off the bed and slapped some duct-tape from my supplies in the back. Holding it between my teeth, I grabbed hold of the bright colored comforter on the bed and gave it a healthy yank, pulling all the stuffed animals onto the floor. My pillows were sandwiched together and I pulled strip after strip of the duct tape from the roll, binding the two fluffy pads together, fashioning a makeshift punching bag. Satisfied, I replaced my loosely fitted shirt with a black sports bra, tying my hair back in a ponytail while returning to my prepared target.

No one chooses for me to die except me. I pulled my hand back in ready to start practicing my punches..

It's time to grow up.

(( Open to Giles. ))
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